What 'I'm Not Okay' Really Means To Me

I've gotten into using my blog to open up about my mental heath, in fact I find it easier to write what I'm feeling and thinking on here than to actually talk to someone.. so whilst I'm going through a bad patch I've decided to write about what mental health looks like for me when I'm not okay, because to people on the outside they may not see what is really going because they expect to see things loud and clear but in reality it's not always that simple.

Lack of sleep; I can't get to sleep because my mind is racing, I'm either crying or panicking and when I do eventually get to sleep I end up waking up several times a night. Also as someone who dreams vividly this tends to mean I'm dreaming of something that will cause me wake up in a state.
It could also go the complete opposite way where all I want to do is sleep, I won't want to get out of bed and I am constantly saying I'm tired even though I've had loads of sleep.

When I says self-care I'm talking about personal hygiene, getting dressed, putting on make up, all the things that would normally be part of day to day life. When I'm down forcing myself to get showered can be the hardest thing to do although realistically it is so simple. There are times where I just don't care what I look like because I don't believe anyone else cares either. Everything is just 'too much effort' which other people deem as laziness but in reality I can't mentally bring myself to do those things because I don't even want to leave the house.

We all know when we're down in the dumps our eating habits can change - over eating when you're sad or not eating at all when you're stressed, but how often do you actually pay attention to this? Feeling so down that the thought of food makes you feel sick to a point you can barely think straight because your body needs sugar? Eating so much that you're making yourself vomit? That's a bit of different story.

Sitting in silence tends to be my biggest thing. Whether I'm at home or at work if I'm having a bad time with my mental health I will be sitting there staring out the window thinking about everything and nothing. I won't have a single bit of motivation to even have a normal conversational and I will avoid the things I'd usually enjoy. From the outside in I'm being 'boring' but it's physically not being able to bring myself to do something because I am falling apart.

Trigger Warning.
One that people need to realise is self harm isn't always deep cuts. It can be as simple as pinching your skin or digging your nails in, pulling your hair or giving yourself bruises.. sometimes it's actions that leave only temporary or light marks that go unnoticed. Just because you're not seeing blood and scars doesn't mean something isn't going on. Pain can help feelings go away even if it's just for a few minutes.

Everyone deals with stuff in their own ways and you have to remember that not everything is obvious to the eye. Always remember to check on people who's habits have changed because sometimes when things are obvious it's too late.


Comments are always read and appreciated!