09 February 2018

When "Being Positive" Just Isn't Enough

I have only spoken about my mental health on here once and as much I want to write about this subject it doesn't come as easily as I presumed, until now, because I am at a point where I have had enough.

There are people that say you just need to "cheer up" or to "be more positive" because damn I forgot words can cure mental illnesses, silly me. These words come from the same people who constantly say when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade, well guess what? I don't like lemonade.

During the last few months I have been forcing myself to be happy and enjoy life but eventually the pressure of being positive became too much. I had one of the worst breakdowns I have had in years. I truly feel trapped in this mindset. I can't escape feeling this way and you know what? It's fucking awful. I wake up everyday telling myself  'this day will be different' but it never is; I fake a smile to every person I pass and pretend everything is just fine and dandy when the reality is my brain has shut off and I have basically become a robot. I no longer show many emotions but instead have an instant bitch filter where I reply with sarcasm and sass, because if I don't do that I will end up either crying or sitting in silence.

So let's have a little bit of structure here shall we? But bare in mind I'm not throwing myself a pity party, I don't feel sorry for myself I am just pissed off that my brain does what it chooses.

Prior to my breakdown I chose to end things with my boyfriend, as much as I wanted our relationship to work I knew I wasn't in the right head space and I had to deal with my own shit before focusing on someone else. I feel like this really hit me hard, it was the most difficult relationship I have ever ended and it hit home that I wasn't as okay as I may have thought, my mental health had seriously degraded. This was soon made clearer when I ended up in my room having a mental breakdown and there I was, at my lowest. My week was then made 10x worse as I was told my job role was being removed from the company, talk about timing. Days later I was then informed my flat owner was putting the property up for sale, JACKPOT! This is when I truly want to say a massive fuck you to the people who tell you to 'be positive' because guess what mate? It isn't going to put a roof over my head so surprisingly it isn't going to stop the chemicals in my brain doing whatever they want to do either.


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