07 August 2017

I Don't Talk About Mental Heath, So Let's Talk.

Mental health awareness is everywhere and it's definitely grown into a subject people want to talk about but no matter how many statuses, posts or videos I see about the subject I just struggle to get involved. Like many I have grown up surrounded by the negative stigma of MH and it hasn't helped being in a home where the subject is so misunderstood that my Mum says people with depression should "get over it" and anxiety is "stupid" as if it can be turned off with a switch.

I know that the majority of people do understand mental illness and mental health but I just have never been able to express myself properly. The reason I've decided to open up and write this is because I had a bit of a shock when my close friend spoke to me about his mental illness and said "you don't understand" when the reality is I do, I've just been so closed off about my own MH not even my closest of friends aren't aware of it. I honestly feel like there's so much I want to talk about it but I'd rather not have an essay so I guess I should stick to the basics.. whatever the basics are.


I find it hard to work out where it all started because it was quite a while ago and the memories are hard to put to a time frame. The earliest I can remember this all going south was when I was 13 being dumped my first love, collapsing on the floor in fits of tears followed by my Mum telling me I was overreacting. Within the next few months I went into a downward spiral, I started self harming because I couldn't imagine life without him and eventually it stopped being just about him; lying in bed sobbing scribbling on paper about how everything went wrong when I was 8/9- my Grandad died, my Dad left and my rabbit died. Even now I can't believe a triplet of events so horrible for that age happened so close together.

Time went on, I met new people and did new things - some bad (we'll keep that for another post) and some wonderful. I think it took me a long time after I started hurting myself for me to think about the term depression as I didn't understand what it really meant and I just thought I was pathetic. I remember taking a dozen online surveys that tell you if they think you have depression and they all flagged up with urgency, including my own GP's which led a phone call that I of course ignored.

Years down the line and I have still never seen anyone professionally about this and I don't think I ever will - shout at me if you want but that's that.

I have days, sometimes weeks where I can't think straight and all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry. I get in situations where my mind goes blurry, my entire body shakes and I feel like my heart is pounding out my chest. The difference from when I was 13 to now is I understand what my body is doing and why it is acting up - I just wish it wouldn't.
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