02 November 2017

5 Of The Worst Things About Being An Adult

Go back to the age when you're still at school, constantly wishing you were older and waiting to be at the age where you can do what you want. Then the years go by and just like that you're independent and have responsibility, damn, we all thought being an adult just meant eating chocolate for breakfast and staying in our pyjamas all day.

Having to wash your bedding. The first awful step is stripping your bed to then have to lug it to the washing machine without becoming a knock off Halloween costume. The worst bit is having to make the bed, pillow cases are easy but the sheet that has a mind of it's own is not and the duvet - especially for double (or bigger if you're lucky) beds, you just want your bed made but instead you're breaking a swear fighting with this evil fabric. You know what I also don't suggest? Leaving it so late that you have to make it before getting to bed, no one likes doing that when they just want to sleep.

Booking an appointment for the doctors. This is waaaaaay up there on the worst things about being an adult! No more parents calling for you whilst you're cosied up in bed feeling sorry for yourself but instead you have to face reality and wonder if your health is really worth the hassle because phoning the doctors is like a James Bond mission; the clock hits 59 minutes past and you have your finger on the call button ready but you still won't get through for another half an hour.

Not being able to blame someone else if something isn't washed. No work clothes? Favourite top in the bottom of the laundry basket? Missing dress you were going to wear to the party? That's your fault. By now you've mastered the quickest settings on your washing machine and thank the world you have a tumble dryer - or a launderette.

Making important phone calls. Apparently you can't email your bank when you've bought too many dominoes pizzas and they think you're cards being used for fraud; yes this happened, apparently my Netflix subscription and large dominoes orders were a cause for concern. You wish every company used those automatic robots where you can press numbers instead of speaking to a real person because real people scares you, don't judge me and my food habits Jane.

You hate getting letters in the post. The white envelope on the doormat makes you start to question your entire life and what evil lies inside that small rectangle. A good fraction of your post is simply physical proof of how poor you but once in a blue moon you are lucky enough to receive something nice like coupons and that's how exciting life gets.

14 October 2017

Opening Up About Sexual Assault

This is a post I drafted around two years ago but have never had the balls to publish; I'm talking about my experience with sexual assault and rape. Even now I'm questioning whether this is a good idea, it's damn scary sharing something personal about you on the internet and not knowing whether the wrong person is going to read it or if there will be a dickhead ready to share their unwanted opinion.

I have to be honest and express how much I hate knowing this post will be a trigger for some people but if you spend a lot of time on social media then realistically it's pretty tricky to hide from triggers especially in recent times. The conversations I see on Twitter are part of the reason I wanted to talk about this in the first place because no one will shut up about recent events and even muting keywords isn't helping hiding it from my timeline. As much as I hate the this being on mind I know it'll never be forgotten and all of this has made me realise we should never be scared to talk about what we've gone through because our past makes us the person we are today and most importantly we should be encouraging others to speak out.

Eight years ago I was fourteen and at that age my knowledge of sexual abuse and rape was little to none, I was a naive teenager who didn't know what sexual assault was until weeks after I experienced it for myself.

I was a typical 14 year old hanging out with the guy from school I liked, I invited him in to mine and we kissed, but according to him kissing means I want more. He forced his hand down my trousers and into my underwear; the more I said "stop" the more shit he came out with about how I "wanted" it. At the time I thought I had been leading him on and that I should go along with it, he clearly wasn't going to stop no matter how many times I told him to. I didn't realise what he was doing was so wrong until he pinned my arms above my head and was ready to force himself into me. I remember the realisation of what was happening and ended up saying something about using a condom, using that short dew seconds of paused opportunity to run and lock myself in my bathroom, I sat on the floor in shock wondering what the fuck was going on. He then said he had to go and that was that, it was forgotten and life went back to normal.

I didn't really think about what happened I just though he was a dick, that was until my friends asked for an update on what happened between us. I casually relayed it all and was returned with "Jess, that's basically rape" and those words were the start of something I wasn't prepared for. I came into school the next day with my best friend running up to me warning that a group of girls were waiting for me, I eagerly disappeared into my first lesson but his ex-girlfriend started questioning me about the rumours, I was then pulled out of class by a teacher. I tried to shy away from it and not make a big deal but the school got the police involved. I was petrified and wanted it all to be over so when it came to my interview I just froze and I couldn't string a sentence together.
All I could think about was school and how no-body believed me, I was constantly being called a liar, being threatened and was even being attacked in the playground; I had my head bashed against a brick wall which was followed by a punch in the face. Why would I want that to carry on?

Safe to say nothing further happened in regards to the police, they had no evidence and it was his word against mine. I was happy to let it blow over because I wanted school to go back to normal and I wanted to just forget. Strangely I dealt with it really well, I didn't feel like a victim and I was being a normal happy teenager.

The whole incident was brought back up again a year or so later when a guy I was in a relationship with befriended the guy unknowingly to what he had done to me. It was something I felt I needed to be honest about but this went down like a ton of bricks and caused a backlash of threats and verbal abuse at school all over again. This time round felt so much worse, it was like I couldn't escape what was happening and I was consistently being called a liar - that's what hurt the most. It didn't take long for that boyfriend to become friends with my attacker after we broke up, fucking asshole.

We're now going to fast forward a year or two; when this started to actually impact my life. Prior to this period of time I barely thought about what had happened, as much as I despised being called a liar and dealt with issues at school it wasn't something I let affect me. Unfortunately as I grew older my understanding for abuse and rape grew which only ended up with me frequently thinking about what happened and suddenly it became this big thing that I couldn't get away from and in all honest it really contributed negatively to my mental health - something I spoke about here.

I don't know what triggered the sudden impact after so many years but it was horrible. I just couldn't forget, it was always on my mind and I couldn't stop asking myself questions.
Was it my fault?
What if I was honest with the police?
What if he does it to someone else?

Then the worst thing happened, for the first time since he left school he was in my vision, stood a matter of feet away from me in a pub, we made eye contact and I had this rush of hatred as well as the desire to throw up. I was with friends and my (now ex) boyfriend so he distracted me and kept me calm, of course we all ended up leaving pretty swiftly and that was that.

Not too long after this happened I went out with a group of friends to town and I had a panic attack in a nightclub, why? Because I was petrified I was going to see him. There was no logic to it because he clearly wasn't there but in all honest since seeing him in the pub my paranoia has rocketed and I constantly feel this anxiety inside me that he's going to pop up round the corner. If I have to jump on tills at work I often question what I would do if he came to be served by me though the reality is that is extremely unlikely - I have never seen him there in the five years I've been there there is always a "what if" that runs through my mind and that's one of the hardest things to deal with.

So here we are now, eight years after I was sexual assaulted and had someone close to me try to rape me, oh and it happened in October too. I am very glad I have written this because it's good to get everything off my chest now and again. I feel like I am dealing with what happened pretty well on a day to day basis and as time's gone on I really don't think about it very often but when I do, I talk to someone and that's the most important thing. I hate knowing there are people out there who haven't opened up to a single person, because once you tell someone you feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Don't let your lives be ruined whilst they're still out their living theirs.

14 September 2017

Naked Heat Palette Swatches And First Thoughts.

Well DAMN Urban Decay have done it again and released a quite literally smoking hot eye palette that I needed in my life. I have every other Naked palette apart from the basics so of course this one was on my list when I saw the promo photos on their Instagram. Now I know you've probably seen every blogger and their cat post about this palette but obviously I have to join, at least I've tried to wait for the hype to die out a little.

Naked Heat Palette Swatches, Naked Heat, Urban Decay Heat, Naked Heat Swatches
Naked Heat Palette Swatches, Naked Heat, Urban Decay Heat, Naked Heat Swatches

Just look at those shades, seriously. I've already used the palette a few times and I am truly in love, the colours are so warm and pretty and even though it's a summer themed palette the colours are clearly perfect for an Autumnal look with the red and brown hues. All of the shades compliment each other no matter what you do with them, so as long as you blend you can get a gorgeous eye look even if you're awful at applying shadows like me.

I have to admit, I'm obsessed and I'm sure I'll be using it on the regular. Hats off to Urban Decay because they've done something really unique and it's perfect. I cannot wait to see what they come up with next.

Naked Heat Palette Swatches, Naked Heat, Urban Decay Heat, Naked Heat SwatchesNaked Heat Palette Swatches, Naked Heat, Urban Decay Heat, Naked Heat Swatches


02 September 2017

Chatting About August

September, nice to see you. So I have a lot on my mind and thought what better than to do a little recap over the month of August and talk about all the crap that has been going on because it's been a bit of a roller coaster.

So to start it off I settled into the new flat with Mum. After returning from holiday it was time to move in, build furniture and make the place a home, so August was the month we both really started to settle in to our new home.

I have also been really focused on my new role at work. Not something I've spoke a lot about, but hey I'm now a Team Leader which basically means I have a lot more to do but it's keeping me on my toes and I'm enjoying it most days.

I decided to break up with my boyfriend. This should be a big part of August, but honestly I just don't have any large feelings towards it, I feel free and happy, maybe a little confused at to what went wrong that made me fall out of love and want to end a 9 month relationship, but guess that's just what life throws at you sometimes.

My cousin got married which allowed me to reunite with the biggest side of my family, including my Dad whom I haven't see in nearly three years. Safe to say it was a little weird but things soon settled into normal - including me faking smiles and pretending I cared about what he told me *rolls eyes*

So that's my August, it's been all over the place and I am looking forward for Autumn to really kick in so I can start wearing baggy jumpers and dark lipsticks all over again.

28 August 2017

Dessert In A Jar

First off, I blame Instagram for this. I was quite happily scrolling through and up pops a yummy dessert in a Masonry Jar that looked far too tempting. Anyone that knows me will be aware of my huge sweet tooth so it took my brain a matter of seconds to get the idea to make one of these jarred treats for own satisfaction.

Just in case you fancy recreating it yourself here's the list of yummy ingredients:

Chocolate Brownies - Crushed, used first to layer the bottom and also added halfway through.
Vanilla Ice Cream - The most important, used to layer after the brownie and inbetween with a large scoop for the top.
Malteasers and Rolos - Used in between layers and to finish on top.
Chocolate Sauce - Let that go everywhere.
Mini Chocolate Doughnuts - For the top to make it even more yummy.

Whipped cream on top would have been perfect but I just forgot to pick up some up, but hey, there's always next time..


07 August 2017

I Don't Talk About Mental Heath, So Let's Talk.

Mental health awareness is everywhere and it's definitely grown into a subject people want to talk about but no matter how many statuses, posts or videos I see about the subject I just struggle to get involved. Like many I have grown up surrounded by the negative stigma of MH and it hasn't helped being in a home where the subject is so misunderstood that my Mum says people with depression should "get over it" and anxiety is "stupid" as if it can be turned off with a switch.

I know that the majority of people do understand mental illness and mental health but I just have never been able to express myself properly. The reason I've decided to open up and write this is because I had a bit of a shock when my close friend spoke to me about his mental illness and said "you don't understand" when the reality is I do, I've just been so closed off about my own MH not even my closest of friends aren't aware of it. I honestly feel like there's so much I want to talk about it but I'd rather not have an essay so I guess I should stick to the basics.. whatever the basics are.

I find it hard to work out where it all started because it was quite a while ago and the memories are hard to put to a time frame. The earliest I can remember this all going south was when I was 13 being dumped my first love, collapsing on the floor in fits of tears followed by my Mum telling me I was overreacting. Within the next few months I went into a downward spiral, I started self harming because I couldn't imagine life without him and eventually it stopped being just about him; lying in bed sobbing scribbling on paper about how everything went wrong when I was 8/9- my Grandad died, my Dad left and my rabbit died. Even now I can't believe a triplet of events so horrible for that age happened so close together.

Time went on, I met new people and did new things - some bad (we'll keep that for another post) and some wonderful. I think it took me a long time after I started hurting myself for me to think about the term depression as I didn't understand what it really meant and I just thought I was pathetic. I remember taking a dozen online surveys that tell you if they think you have depression and they all flagged up with urgency, including my own GP's which led a phone call that I of course ignored.

Years down the line and I have still never seen anyone professionally about this and I don't think I ever will - shout at me if you want but that's that.

I have days, sometimes weeks where I can't think straight and all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry. I get in situations where my mind goes blurry, my entire body shakes and I feel like my heart is pounding out my chest. The difference from when I was 13 to now is I understand what my body is doing and why it is acting up - I just wish it wouldn't.

04 August 2017

Majorca Pictures Galore

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