25 February 2018

I Broke It Off, So Why Am I Upset?

Choosing to end a relationship can be a difficult decision, it can also be a cut throat choice, but at the end of the day no matter how sure your decision making is you may not always come out the other side feeling as happy as you expected. So here you are, the one who break their heart but also the one feeling like shit, what's that about?

You're overcome with doubt about whether it was the right decision. You list every 'what if' and end up making yourself more upset than you were to bloody begin with because who knows, maybe things would of changed for the better? This is when you have to kick yourself up the ass and realise if things were going to change they already would have and you wouldn't have broken up with them in the first place.

You feel guilty and maybe even a little selfish, you've made the choice to end things because it's best for the both of you in the long run.. but it's easy to say that when you're the one on the decision end isn't it? Now you just have to sit back and give them space to allow them to come to terms with the breakup in their own way and it's hell, damn you empathy. 

You still care for them or worse, you still love them, unfortunately you can't turn that feeling off with a flick of a switch. The dumpee will more than likely question your feelings for them as it's you ending the relationship (because apparently dumping someone you love isn't a thing *eye roll*) but the reality is your feelings are the main reason why you were so sure to make the decision, you don't want to drag things out when they're not working. 

You think about how you used to be before things went south. There's a reason you two got together so naturally it hurts when you realise all that is lost. You're allowed to grieve a relationship no matter what side you're on because you have lost a partner, someone who you spent days, months or even years with and that is now gone. It's very unlikely you wanted to be in the position you are now so you're allowed to be a little (or very) upset about it, okay?


18 February 2018

Give Your Wardrobe A Bit Of TLC In Just 3 Steps

You have spent two hours changing outfits and moaning that you have 'nothing to wear' even though you're standing in front of a very filled wardrobe and let's be honest, you're just going to chuck on a pair of Jamie jeans and a baggy jumper anyway. 

Step One: Clear Out
This is when you need to be brutal with yourself. Ask yourself: Do you wear/use the item? Do you actually need the item? Is the item something that is sentimental that you'll miss?
Start with three piles:
- The keeps
- The get rids; Give these away to friends or charity, or sell them at a car boot/places like Depop/Ebay/Etc.
- The not so sure; If trying on these items doesn't help then question what you would wear them with and if you're still unsure then question whether you've worn it in the last six months, if you haven't then I suggest you should place the item in the get rid pile.

Step Two: Organise.
There is the simplicity of organising the types of clothing e.g tops and bottoms, but everyone is slightly different in how they arrange their clothes and accessories. Always keep your fanciest and most worn items hung up but try to make it so everything is easier to find, that way you aren't rummaging through tons of clothes to find what to wear in the morning. If you're a little stuck I suggest heading over to Pinterest for some inspiration.

I encourage you to think seasonal, if it's summer you won't need to be using valuable space on big coats, jumpers and boots, in the same way as in winter you don't need sandals and bikinis so store these items away whether it's under your bed, in a suitcase or wherever suits you, just bare in mind you will want them handy in case of holidays or a sudden change of weather - especially if you live in the UK.

Step Three: Finishing Touches
Once you've shrunken down your stylish choices and organised to your hearts content you may end up with a shopping list for boxes, hangers, maybe even a new wardrobe? Who knows. This is when you need to make your wardrobe something that is easy to access and doesn't have you rummaging through clothes everyday. I am a sucker for storage so I have under bed drawers for my shoes but as a finishing touch I purchased copper hangers from Primark, things like this make me enjoy my wardrobe a little bit more.


09 February 2018

When "Being Positive" Just Isn't Enough

I have only spoken about my mental health on here once and as much I want to write about this subject it doesn't come as easily as I presumed, until now, because I am at a point where I have had enough.

There are people that say you just need to "cheer up" or to "be more positive" because damn I forgot words can cure mental illnesses, silly me. These words come from the same people who constantly say when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade, well guess what? I don't like lemonade.

During the last few months I have been forcing myself to be happy and enjoy life but eventually the pressure of being positive became too much. I had one of the worst breakdowns I have had in years. I truly feel trapped in this mindset. I can't escape feeling this way and you know what? It's fucking awful. I wake up everyday telling myself  'this day will be different' but it never is; I fake a smile to every person I pass and pretend everything is just fine and dandy when the reality is my brain has shut off and I have basically become a robot. I no longer show many emotions but instead have an instant bitch filter where I reply with sarcasm and sass, because if I don't do that I will end up either crying or sitting in silence.

So let's have a little bit of structure here shall we? But bare in mind I'm not throwing myself a pity party, I don't feel sorry for myself I am just pissed off that my brain does what it chooses.

Prior to my breakdown I chose to end things with my boyfriend, as much as I wanted our relationship to work I knew I wasn't in the right head space and I had to deal with my own shit before focusing on someone else. I feel like this really hit me hard, it was the most difficult relationship I have ever ended and it hit home that I wasn't as okay as I may have thought, my mental health had seriously degraded. This was soon made clearer when I ended up in my room having a mental breakdown and there I was, at my lowest. My week was then made 10x worse as I was told my job role was being removed from the company, talk about timing. Days later I was then informed my flat owner was putting the property up for sale, JACKPOT! This is when I truly want to say a massive fuck you to the people who tell you to 'be positive' because guess what mate? It isn't going to put a roof over my head so surprisingly it isn't going to stop the chemicals in my brain doing whatever they want to do either.


17 January 2018

Current Beauty Favourites

It has been so damn long since I have spoke what beauty products I love so I thought I would put together a little favourites posts so you can see what makeup, skincare products and other bits I have been obsessing over for the last few months.

The first product I want to talk about is skincare related and it's The Body Shop Tea Tree Toner, used after cleansing to remove any remaining makeup and impurities. I use this toner most nights after removing my make up but I also use it when I have had a makeup free day as this product feels very purifying. I have spoken about so many tea tree products from The Body Shop before and I am sure I will continue to as tea tree is an ingredient that really benefits my skin, I definitely recommend their range for anyone with oily skin that is prone to break outs.

Onto makeup I have been obsessed with the Make Up Revolution Soph X Highlighter Palette! Soph is a YouTuber that I started watching early last year and when she announced her collaboration with Make Up Revolution I was pretty intrigued, especially when I saw her swatch this highlighter palette. The pigmentation is honestly amazing for all eight shades, the range of colours allow everyone to get a perfect glow whether it's a slight sheen for work or full on popping for a night out. It's made me fall in love with highlighting. I'm also going to use this to progress onto my next favourite which is the Zoeva 105 Luxe Highlight Brush (Rose Golden) because I purchased this brush the same time I bought the palette and it is perfect, need I say no more.

I also have another brush in my favourites and that is the Zoeva 322 Brow Line (Rose Golden), I was after a new brow brush and thought I'd pop this in my basket when I purchased a bunch of Zoeva brushes and I have been using it everyday with my (also favourite) Make Up Revolution Brow Pomade in the shade medium brown. This is a product I unintentionally spotted and picked to try. I have always used powdered brow products so I was pretty intrigued by this as I know everyone loves the Anastasia Dip Brow Pomade so I wanted to see whether I'd get on with the cream formula and it turns out I do. I find it a lot easier to achieve a strong brow using a cream and once I got the hang of using this product my brows take me a lot less time than when I used a powder, bonus!

Carmex Lip Balm has made it's way into my favourites even though it may be a little boring, but I picked it up at work and it's honestly it's the best balm I have used that has kept my lips soft and crack free throughout the whole of the cold months. It's one of those cheap and simple beauty products every girl should have, oh and it comes in a few flavours too.

My last favourite is the nail polish Essie 42 Angora Cardi. I went on a hunt for a deep purple shade with gorgeous undertones and voila. It's the ideal shade for Autumn/Winter and I have been wearing it on my toes and fingers with no regret, except the fact I always break my nails at work so that's a shame.

06 January 2018

Organise Your Tech And Organise Your Life

You unlock your phone and stare blankly at the red circle letting you know that there's 104 unread emails waiting for you, you then get an alert (for the 12th time this week) that your phone software really needs updating.. "another time" you tell yourself whilst pressing cancel. You tap open the Facebook app to be greeted with a parent letting the world know that her two year old has done their first poo in a potty, as well as a middle aged woman sharing a post to look for a lost puppy in Dublin when wait for it - she lives in Brighton.

Hit that delete button and I don't just mean media and files but also remember to delete unneeded contacts, old messages and abandoned applications. By deleting all these bits and pieces you're not only freeing up storage but you'll be able to find things easier and less scrolling = less time wasted. 

Tailor your social media news feeds and unfriend/unfollow the people and pages you just aren't interested in anymore. We are all guilty of following hundreds of Facebook pages when we were 13 but now we live to regret it as they're spamming our feeds with ads, same goes for befriending every student at school and realising some of them are damn right annoying. Having a clear out like this makes social media so much more enjoyable.I

Give your emails some TLC and get your emails read and deleted; don't worry there's a 'mark all' option for those of you that have accumulated a few too many. Every time you get a newsletter that you aren't interested in make sure you unsubscribe, or do what I do and use unroll.me because it pretty much does the hard work for you. 

Make use of apps and programs because we can't all have a PA so if you're forgetful use the Reminders app to checklist your important to dos. There's also tools such as Cleo which you use for budgeting and keeping on check with your bank balance - I am obsessed with using this so expect a post about Cleo soon.

Make friends with folders and organise what you have in the same way you would organise your dirty laundry. If you're keeping important emails get them arranged into folders so they don't get lost in the abyss and get accidentally deleted. If you're up for it then categories your applications to make your phone screen less cluttered. Your files on your laptop should definitely be in folders which to me goes without saying, but you do you.


02 November 2017

5 Of The Worst Things About Being An Adult

Go back to the age when you're still at school, constantly wishing you were older and waiting to be at the age where you can do what you want. Then the years go by and just like that you're independent and have responsibility, damn, we all thought being an adult just meant eating chocolate for breakfast and staying in our pyjamas all day.

Having to wash your bedding. The first awful step is stripping your bed to then have to lug it to the washing machine without becoming a knock off Halloween costume. The worst bit is having to make the bed, pillow cases are easy but the sheet that has a mind of it's own is not and the duvet - especially for double (or bigger if you're lucky) beds, you just want your bed made but instead you're breaking a swear fighting with this evil fabric. You know what I also don't suggest? Leaving it so late that you have to make it before getting to bed, no one likes doing that when they just want to sleep.

Booking an appointment for the doctors. This is waaaaaay up there on the worst things about being an adult! No more parents calling for you whilst you're cosied up in bed feeling sorry for yourself but instead you have to face reality and wonder if your health is really worth the hassle because phoning the doctors is like a James Bond mission; the clock hits 59 minutes past and you have your finger on the call button ready but you still won't get through for another half an hour.

Not being able to blame someone else if something isn't washed. No work clothes? Favourite top in the bottom of the laundry basket? Missing dress you were going to wear to the party? That's your fault. By now you've mastered the quickest settings on your washing machine and thank the world you have a tumble dryer - or a launderette.

Making important phone calls. Apparently you can't email your bank when you've bought too many dominoes pizzas and they think you're cards being used for fraud; yes this happened, apparently my Netflix subscription and large dominoes orders were a cause for concern. You wish every company used those automatic robots where you can press numbers instead of speaking to a real person because real people scares you, don't judge me and my food habits Jane.

You hate getting letters in the post. The white envelope on the doormat makes you start to question your entire life and what evil lies inside that small rectangle. A good fraction of your post is simply physical proof of how poor you but once in a blue moon you are lucky enough to receive something nice like coupons and that's how exciting life gets.

14 October 2017

Opening Up About Sexual Assault

This is a post I drafted around two years ago but have never had the balls to publish; I'm talking about my experience with sexual assault and rape. Even now I'm questioning whether this is a good idea, it's damn scary sharing something personal about you on the internet and not knowing whether the wrong person is going to read it or if there will be a dickhead ready to share their unwanted opinion.

I have to be honest and express how much I hate knowing this post will be a trigger for some people but if you spend a lot of time on social media then realistically it's pretty tricky to hide from triggers especially in recent times. The conversations I see on Twitter are part of the reason I wanted to talk about this in the first place because no one will shut up about recent events and even muting keywords isn't helping hiding it from my timeline. As much as I hate the this being on mind I know it'll never be forgotten and all of this has made me realise we should never be scared to talk about what we've gone through because our past makes us the person we are today and most importantly we should be encouraging others to speak out.

Eight years ago I was fourteen and at that age my knowledge of sexual abuse and rape was little to none, I was a naive teenager who didn't know what sexual assault was until weeks after I experienced it for myself.

I was a typical 14 year old hanging out with the guy from school I liked, I invited him in to mine and we kissed, but according to him kissing means I want more. He forced his hand down my trousers and into my underwear; the more I said "stop" the more shit he came out with about how I "wanted" it. At the time I thought I had been leading him on and that I should go along with it, he clearly wasn't going to stop no matter how many times I told him to. I didn't realise what he was doing was so wrong until he pinned my arms above my head and was ready to force himself into me. I remember the realisation of what was happening and ended up saying something about using a condom, using that short dew seconds of paused opportunity to run and lock myself in my bathroom, I sat on the floor in shock wondering what the fuck was going on. He then said he had to go and that was that, it was forgotten and life went back to normal.

I didn't really think about what happened I just though he was a dick, that was until my friends asked for an update on what happened between us. I casually relayed it all and was returned with "Jess, that's basically rape" and those words were the start of something I wasn't prepared for. I came into school the next day with my best friend running up to me warning that a group of girls were waiting for me, I eagerly disappeared into my first lesson but his ex-girlfriend started questioning me about the rumours, I was then pulled out of class by a teacher. I tried to shy away from it and not make a big deal but the school got the police involved. I was petrified and wanted it all to be over so when it came to my interview I just froze and I couldn't string a sentence together.
All I could think about was school and how no-body believed me, I was constantly being called a liar, being threatened and was even being attacked in the playground; I had my head bashed against a brick wall which was followed by a punch in the face. Why would I want that to carry on?

Safe to say nothing further happened in regards to the police, they had no evidence and it was his word against mine. I was happy to let it blow over because I wanted school to go back to normal and I wanted to just forget. Strangely I dealt with it really well, I didn't feel like a victim and I was being a normal happy teenager.

The whole incident was brought back up again a year or so later when a guy I was in a relationship with befriended the guy unknowingly to what he had done to me. It was something I felt I needed to be honest about but this went down like a ton of bricks and caused a backlash of threats and verbal abuse at school all over again. This time round felt so much worse, it was like I couldn't escape what was happening and I was consistently being called a liar - that's what hurt the most. It didn't take long for that boyfriend to become friends with my attacker after we broke up, fucking asshole.

We're now going to fast forward a year or two; when this started to actually impact my life. Prior to this period of time I barely thought about what had happened, as much as I despised being called a liar and dealt with issues at school it wasn't something I let affect me. Unfortunately as I grew older my understanding for abuse and rape grew which only ended up with me frequently thinking about what happened and suddenly it became this big thing that I couldn't get away from and in all honest it really contributed negatively to my mental health - something I spoke about here.

I don't know what triggered the sudden impact after so many years but it was horrible. I just couldn't forget, it was always on my mind and I couldn't stop asking myself questions.
Was it my fault?
What if I was honest with the police?
What if he does it to someone else?

Then the worst thing happened, for the first time since he left school he was in my vision, stood a matter of feet away from me in a pub, we made eye contact and I had this rush of hatred as well as the desire to throw up. I was with friends and my (now ex) boyfriend so he distracted me and kept me calm, of course we all ended up leaving pretty swiftly and that was that.

Not too long after this happened I went out with a group of friends to town and I had a panic attack in a nightclub, why? Because I was petrified I was going to see him. There was no logic to it because he clearly wasn't there but in all honest since seeing him in the pub my paranoia has rocketed and I constantly feel this anxiety inside me that he's going to pop up round the corner. If I have to jump on tills at work I often question what I would do if he came to be served by me though the reality is that is extremely unlikely - I have never seen him there in the five years I've been there there is always a "what if" that runs through my mind and that's one of the hardest things to deal with.

So here we are now, eight years after I was sexual assaulted and had someone close to me try to rape me, oh and it happened in October too. I am very glad I have written this because it's good to get everything off my chest now and again. I feel like I am dealing with what happened pretty well on a day to day basis and as time's gone on I really don't think about it very often but when I do, I talk to someone and that's the most important thing. I hate knowing there are people out there who haven't opened up to a single person, because once you tell someone you feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Don't let your lives be ruined whilst they're still out their living theirs.
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